New boy?

Dear new boy,

You have been in my life for about three months now. But just as a friend. Some how you did want I didn’t want. Got me to like you. And boy do I really like you. You’re so sweet and kind. Words can’t describe how perfect you are. I’ve never met anyone who treats me like you do. Although I’ve kept you a secret it’s not because I don’t want to show you off to the world. It’s because I want to keep you my secret, no one in the way, no one to distract us from being together. You make me so happy, I never want to leave your side. I’m going to miss you.. Maybe this was just a wrong time, right person type thing.

Thank you

Holy. Shit.

My brain is all jumbled up and crazy. The past few weeks have been slugging along and I’m trying to hold on to every little memory. Every person I interact with, every laugh, everything. I’m just trying to remember it all because in four months I won’t be here anymore, I’ll be who knows where with who knows who. And that thought makes my skin crawl. Growing up is terrifying but I’m ready for change. I’m ready to be on my own. But I’m not ready to lose all these moments I’ve had the past four years. Holy. Shit. I’m just really scared.

 

I hate boys

I hate boys, I need a man.

the end.

how old are you?

Age is just a number. And my face, doesn’t match my age. I am 18 years old, but not a single person has once thought I was a day over 15. Just this weekend my little brother’s friend thought I was 12. It offends me at times, because who the hell is going to want to be with a girl that looks 12??? That is just plain creepy. But in the long run it will be okay. When I am 35 I won’t mind people thinking I look younger at all.

currently

Late night thoughts get to me sometimes. The older I get the more I realize how much “rules” change. I think I am coming more in tuned with my inner self, like my hopes and dreams. Or how to start my pursuit of happiness. But all of that seems so far away, I have to much to do and so much to get done before I can reach my dreams. I am so tired of sitting around waiting for my life to begin, but I am too afraid to make the leap. I don’t want to mess up. I am just a teenager of course I’m going to mess up, but I am too scared to. So I am currently waiting.. waiting for my life to begin.

Silence

si·lence
ˈsīləns/: a complete absence of sound

The last few months I have experienced a few different types of silence. The first one is bad silence, when you know there is bad news coming or you just finished a fight and have nothing to say to each other. Bad silence makes me really upset and uncomfortable. Like after being told “I just don’t feel the same as I used to” there is a terrible silence. The next silence is the awkward silence. Awkward silence isn’t anything like bad silence, but it isn’t all that either. It is like meeting someone for the first time and not knowing what to talk about because you don’t know what common interesting the other has. Good silence is when the two of you are so comfortable with each other that you don’t need words, just living in the moment and absorbing all the life around us.

Senior year – 2016

Senior year is a new beginning with old friends. I am so ready to take this year by the horns and make it the best, because I am so close to make dreams now. Im praying that nothing too traumatizing happens. Im ready for anything though.

Junior year – 2015

The first day was great, I felt like I was Princess on campus. Just wearing my t shirt that said Junior on it was a huge confidence booster. Two weeks into school, one of the boys from summer became a little more than a summer boy. He became my boyfriend. Time went on I started hanging out with my friends less and my boyfriend more. Eventually I just wasn’t invited to hang out with them anymore, I took it a little too personal. And my boyfriend did even more. He started to hate them, he tried to turn me against them and slowly I began to believe it. We were together for over a year, he was my first love. And first heart break. I made a new friend that year though. She’s great, we talk a lot and she is super helpful with school work and just venting in general. Junior year was just dumb year all together and I wish it never happened

Sophomore year – 2014

The first day was a blur, I just remember thinking how far away 2016 was. It felt like that year was never going to come. That was the first year they did one big lunch instead of two, that meant I could have lunch with my best friend. But it also meant I had to befriend her little group of girls. They all seemed super cool and nice. And I was really excited to finally have a big group of friends that were girls. Since it had always just been me and my best friend. As the year went one the group got smaller and smaller until it was down to just three of us. So I made a friend who I absolutely adored, she was new and had a boyfriend who was a Senior so she pretty much only hung out with him. But eventually I got her into the group, it was nice having another girl to kind of even out the three of us. The school year ended fast, and summer hit me even faster. Lets just say that was the summer of boys, and too many of them.

Freshman year – 2013

I remember my first day perfectly. I was five minutes late because there was a long line of traffic down the street from the school. I remember kids getting out of the cars and starting to walk, so I followed. I asked a security guard where room T256 was. I got to the class and saw a kid from middle school whom I have never spoken to before. (who later became my best friend’s crush) The teacher was very short and resembled E.T. the extraterrestrial perfectly. Her name was Ms.T (no one knew how to pronounce her last name it had pretty much every letter of the alphabet.) She asked me to pass out papers, as I walked through the class I realized I was one of two 9th graders in the whole class. It was all Sophomores and Juniors and one Senior(who pretty much became my mentor) First period ended, and I don’t even know how I found any of my other classes but I did. That year there was two different lunches, and I didn’t have them with my best friend. So I made new friends. These two girls, they were freakishly weird, but it was entertaining. I settled at the time. Still hung out with my best friend on weekends. I had some really fun times with them . About half way through the year I had my first boyfriend. He went to a different school, he was sweet and perfect for me at the time. We hung out once or twice a week. Five months later broke up with me for some loser. (Thats usually how it goes) I got over it, moved on pretty fast with the older boy who I had a major crush on for a while. We went out of a date and hung out a little after that at one of the freaky girls house, only to find out he thought I ruined any chance of him getting back together with his ex. I was crushed by my first older crush. That year ended and so did my friendship with the weird girls. They got boyfriends and left me behind.